WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE MAY BE IN THIS BLOG POST
Being fat is miserable! I dislike so many activities that I once loved, such as shopping. I go clothing shopping with my skinny friends just to dress them in cute clothes that my ass won't fit into. Its like my thin friends are my life-sized Barbie Dolls. I want to dress cute! I recall the days when I could walk into a store and try anything on and feel confident. I dislike having my picture taken. This may sound vain, but I once liked seeing myself in photos. I feel so sad that I am not in pictures with my kids. Will they remember that I did anything with them?I am so self conscience about going anywhere and doing activities because I assume that people will be looking at my stomach and think its as grotesque as I do. I went tubing with my family last week and I slipped off the tube. I'm sure it looked hilarious and I laughed it off, but as others were laughing I kept thinking to myself that they were laughing because beached whales don't often go tubing.
I see thin people and I want to cry. I read quotes on how nothing tastes as good as skinny feels and I want to scream. I step on the scale and I want to get back into bed and never get out. I am just so discouraged by how I look and depressed because I do not know how to change myself. I don't know how to take the misery I am in and turn it into motivation.
I recently read a "Fatties" blog where she listed the reasons she wanted to be skinny. I think this may be a start to a new me, the beginning to the epiphany of thin, the catalist to pounds being shed and hope being renewed.
Here goes...
1. I do not want my daughters to view me as the "fat mom." Any good qualities I have as a mom may be over shadowed by my enormous shadow. True story, one of my oldest daughters friend's asked her if I was active, like did I do anything besides just sit around and watch tv. Which I do not watch tv. I am pretty active. It hurt me, but it also hurt my daughter. I don't want to be the fat mom.
2. I want my really handsome, dapper, hot husband to think I am beautiful. Like smokin sexy, honeymoon hot beautiful.
3. I want to be alive & healthy. In the last 3 months I have seen younger (like 40-60 year olds) kick the bucket unexpectedly. Facing 40 within the next few years has given me a jolt. I feel young still and I feel like there is a lot of living to do, I want to be alive AND kicking ass. Not dead and pushing up daisies. I want to be Grandma, Great Grandma, Missionary with Sam, World Traveler, Fun Mom, and to be described as a vibrant youthful soul!
4. I want cute clothes and expensive jeans. For some reason I have this stupid reasoning that I won't spend more than $30 on jeans because at 200 pounds I don't deserve designer jeans. Its like I'm holding out for great jeans when I have a great body. So I want to be thin so that I can justify a nice pair of jeans for my tight ass and abs of a goddess.
5. I want to run! I want to run a 1/2 marathon and possibly a full 26.2-er! Yeah, you read that right, I want to RUN! There is something thrilling about going mile after mile by your own feet, one right after another. Who cares if I am fast, I just want to go.
6. I don't want my fat to define who I am. I want to be judged by how I do things, not by how I look. I want to go places with confidence, not feeling like the "fat friend."
7. I want to say, "look at me now!" Look where I was, look where I've come from, look at me now. I've defeated (or deflated) that balloon of a person!
8. I want breast implants. Yep, I said it. I have had mesquito bites for boobies for 20 years and I am done. I want to be thin so that I can have amazing silicone knockers.
I am not sure where all of this will lead, I am not sure if I can handle anymore honesty about my obesity, but I am hoping that getting all of this out will help me. This is a journey to a better me. The path to finding that skinny girl that is inside of me, wanting to strip off fat and show people that I person I once was. Thin.
So maybe this is the beginn
